A Guest Post by Brenda Perlin
“Can I be happy without a ring on my finger?”
I am so used to be married.
After so many years of holy matrimony (fifteen years to be exact) being a wife seemed so natural. It felt the way things should be.
Now that I have been divorced for nearly two years, I am still adjusting to not being someone's wife. That was a role I grew accustom to. Just saying “my husband” became second nature to me. I liked being a wife and having someone in my life that I knew without a pinch of doubt wanted to be with me until the end. Having that commitment, that wafer thin piece of paper gave my relationship validation.
Even though I have been with this one man for as long as I have been divorced, I am having a hard time adapting to not being someone’s wife. Calling your significant other “boyfriend” while you are in your forties just sounds silly. I know it doesn’t matter what people think, yet I can’t help wondering if I will remain content without that license. I am with someone who has told me he will never get married again. Will this be enough for me? Does having that agreement truly mean your relationship is more significant?
I thought I would stay married until the day that I died. I have always believed in the sanctity of marriage and now I have to learn to live in a different way. With that in mind, I hope my relationship will remain intact by staying with the status quo. Just like the old adage, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Sometimes getting married can be a Home Wrecker to any relationship. Either you sink or swim. So many great relationships change after the wedding vows. People stop working on the partnership because they are married.
I live with the hope that we will work just a little bit harder because we don't have the security of a wedding contract. I am counting on this being the case because the way things have been are the way I would like them to remain. What we have is so good. I would hate to do anything to change the dynamics of this relationship. Mentally, I can't afford to lose what we have built up. What we have is beautiful and we have jumped through hoops to get to this point.
The bottom line is, can I stay happy in a relationship that will never ever reach a higher level? Do I need that ring on my finger to be content? Don’t I already have everything I need? Has society just brainwashed me to believe that any good satisfying relationship has to lead to marriage? Can I live the rest of my life without that?
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Very interesting contemplation. As for an answer based on my own experience, I have been in one of "those non committal" relationships for over 30 years, after two failed marriages, and I have to say, I have been way more satisfied with it than I was the others. I've told people it's because I don't have to listen to him snore or wash his dirty clothes because we never lived together...but not sure exactly what the reason is. A good marriage is a blessing...a bad one a curse and I didn't want to strike out thrice. ;)
ReplyDeleteExcellent post! I too, have been divorced and am now remarried. At first I thought I'd never remarry, but then over time I came to believe that the problem (for me) was the person I was married to, not marriage itself. It took a while, but I broke down the walls inside me and am now very happy. To your question, I think I would have been just fine not getting remarried if my relationship with my wife now would be the same. It's the person and our relationship that matter, that's it. You only get one chance at this thing we call life and the clock is ticking so I intend to spend as little time worrying as possible and as much time as I can enjoying. Thanks for such a soul bearing post. Really made me examine myself and think and best of luck to you!
ReplyDeletePaul R. Hewlett
As someone who has been married to the same man for 41 years, I can say that whether married or not, you either grow together, communicate and compromise when necessary - or you grow apart, and quit communicating. Compromise becomes a dirty word. Even great marriages have some rough patches. Ours sure did. Yet we are happier, and our love is stronger and more sure today than ever. Over time, your joint emotional landscape evolves. Frenetic passions melt and mingle with a deepening sense of each others worth, and the warmth of shared love and experiences. Children (we had 3)do not always bring you together, especially if you both have different parenting styles, and one or more of your children has problems that need a united front. Yet all that slides away in your "golden years." You made it through the storm - a little dinged, but proud of the way you managed to pull together, no matter what. I guess it all depends on being lucky enough or smart enough to hook up with, or marry the right emotional partner for you. Once that initial passion dissipates a little, do you actually like this man/woman whose face you see on the pillow every morning? Do you both have the same ideas about life goals, honesty, money etc? If not, then having a piece of paper that says you are married won't help much.
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